Lansdowne Press

Celebrity Fanfare

The Real Presidential Debate

August 1st, 2004:
Celebrity Fanfare

Dearest Mary:

    Do you have magazines lining the check-out counters of every single store up there in the Arctic? Here in the suburbs we are on a first-name basis with everyone on every magazine cover and we care deeply about everything from their eating disorders to their infertility problems, especially if they are no longer alive.
     For example: cover stories are frequently about someone who is unhappily (and brutally) dead: The princess killed in a Paris car crash, the child in beauty pageant paint, the pregnant woman with big dimples. In some cases they have been dead for 5 plus years, and yet here they still are on magazine covers! And not just on anniversaries but pretty much all the time. We know them by their first names, or just by their faces, and they could easily be hired (as dead people) to sell products. Creepy, but possible. I wonder if dead people have agents?
    If we were hit by a meteor today and our lives were frozen in time, archeologists of the future might think our shops doubled as places of worshipping the dead (sort of like temples to excess all around), and especially the worship of those who are more famous in death than in life -- giving new meaning to dying to be famous. To every one of these folks, I'd like to say: please go away. I'm sorry that you're dead, as I'm sure you are too, but it's time to give it up. I think it's called resting in peace, a concept we have evidently forgotten.
    But archeologists of the future could be misled by the rampant worship of celebrity - even twice removed -- of all kinds: deceased, alive, unborn, and not yet conceived. Will Jennifer get pregnant? Will Scott be convicted? Will Kirstie lose 100 lbs? Will Britney's marriage last? Did Ben have an affair? I am at the point where I have to avert my eyes at the check-out counter lest I actually get suckered in to these burning questions of our day:
    How is Julia coping with weight gain?
     (Is she a member of your family? No? Then why do you care?)
     How is Gwyneth dealing with being a mom?
     (Is she a character in Beowulf? What kind of name is that?)
     What happened to Mary Kate in rehab?
     (They forced her to eat lobster. For $2,000/day what did you expect?)
    So here's my answer: to those of you who are famous and alive and insist on letting us in on the secret that you're thinking about getting pregnant, I have news for you: Thinking about it doesn't get you very far. All it does is give me the creeps, and I suspect I am not alone here. And if you are lucky enough to be famous, gorgeous, alive and pregnant, be grateful and shut up. In fact, if you're not dead, be grateful and shut up, period.
    I just want to buy my groceries and not stare at you gaining or losing ANY of the following: weight, babies, eating disorders, husbands, wrinkles, law suits, agents, contracts, breasts, tombstones, reality shows, awards, or murder one convictions.
    Is this too much to ask?
    Hey Mary, send me some magazines about celebrity sled dogs, will you?


XOXO,