Lansdowne Press

The Real Presidential Debate

October 2004:
The Real Presidential Debate

Hey Mary!

Have you been keeping up with the Presidential Election from way up there in the Arctic Circle?

This is what a Presidential Debate might sound like if an intelligent third party candidate were allowed to participate (for example, me). The cast includes: The Democratic Candidate (DEM) The Republican President (PREZ) The Moderator (MOD) and The Intelligent Independent (ME).

MOD: What is your position on Gun Control?
DEM: Guns don't kill people; people kill people. But guns need to be controlled. As do people.
PREZ: That's ridiculous. Law abiding gun owners don't kill anybody and don't have to be controlled. That's why they have guns in the first place. So nobody can control anyone else.
ME: Last year 10,000 people died of gunshot wounds. If guns don't kill people, then why are they dead?
PREZ: Can I respond? Look young lady, take my advice; stay out of Texas because we do not like it when people threaten our right to be shot dead by law-abiding gun owners.

MOD: We need to move on. A related question: Why are we the only industrial country to have the death penalty?
PREZ: That's easy. Because we have so many dead people killed like you said by some evil force using guns. We have to protect ourselves from the evil force. In Texas we protect ourselves through the process of electriculo…cution.
DEM: I do not agree with the death penalty. It is archaic, outmoded, and makes our European allies cry.
ME: I am all for the death penalty if it will get rid of morons with guns.

MOD: Okay. Moving on. What kind of energy policy do you envision?
DEM: One in which no animals are harmed, no wildlife refuge is touched, no taxes are raised except on corporations doing business with Saudi Arabia, and fabulous new sources of energy are encouraged and developed.
PREZ: We need to produce more oil! That's how the country gets bigger. Duh! And we need to be nice to the Saudis and all those guys who make the oil. Because they have it and we don't. So, come on…
ME: Everyone who drives an SUV will have to wear a scarlet sign that reads: I support Osama Bin Laden.
PREZ: What about really big trucks, huh? Gotcha on that one!
ME: Everyone who drives a really big truck just for pleasure will be drafted to fight for their own oil.

MOD: That's enough. Let's talk about Health Care.
DEM: Health care is in terrible shape. I have a plan to fix it that will not cost the taxpayers a dime. It's a surprise and you will love it.
PREZ: Health care is getting better all the time! It costs more, so it must be better. And fewer people have it. That makes it more desirable! It's the law of supply and demand. (I just learned that, cool huh?) The less you supply of it, the more people will demand it and the more money will be pumped into the economy. It's great. It's America.
ME: Are you actually the President? Of the country? Health care for everyone will cost a fortune. Our taxes will go up. Way up. That's life. You want health care? Pay for it.
PREZ and DEM together: That's crazy! Taxes won't go up! Health care just doesn't work that way. How dare you?

MOD: Whoa, whoa. Time to move on. How about Social Security?
PREZ: I am still just so, you know, so tongue-tried that someone thinks health care would cost money. We are Americans, young lady. We do not believe in raising taxes for any ole reason. And that goes for Social Security. It's fine. It's good. Everyone loves Social Security and no one will touch it.
DEM: You'll touch it as soon as you can figure out a way to privatize it, which will send our poor frail elderly into the Old Folks Home. But I have a way to fix Social Security. You'll love it and it's a surprise.
ME: If Social Security were a house, it would be condemned. It needs a good fire and a great contractor - and I don't mean Halliburton.

MOD: Who has influenced you the most in your life?
PREZ: That's easy. It's the man upstairs and his Numero Uno son.
DEM: Jesus Christ. The Pope. Moses. My mother. The company that makes ketchup.
PREZ: I wasn't finished. And my Mom. And my Dad, the other President. And my brother Jeb; thanks bro - I owe you.
ME: Let's see. Meryll Streep. Sophia Loren. And ohmygod I'm so excited! I would like to thank the Academy and the cast and crew of this amazing film…

oops. Wrong fantasy.

Mary - don't forget to VOTE!!! Even if you have to get there by dogsled.

Love,